Catch Me When I Fall
by cupcakesandglitter
Summary: After an argument with James, Carlos has an accident. Can James put his own guilt aside to step up and be there for Carlos? SLASH.
1. Chapter 1

It's a nice day and James thinks it would be perfect if only Carlos would stop complaining. It's warm in L.A., but not humid. There's a light breeze which makes it perfect for spending the day outdoors. Big Time Rush had a rare day off, which meant one glorious day away from Gustavo and being stuck inside Rocque Records. It meant a day of fun and James had big plans in mind for the day.

If Carlos would just shut up for _five seconds._

They're out hiking for the day and James has been here many, many times. He's picked out the perfect spot to surprise Carlos with a romantic picnic lunch but Carlos is kind of ruining it. The first five or ten minutes were fun as they started out on the trail but it wasn't long after that Carlos decided that hiking was NOT on his top ten list of favorite activities. James has tried to be patient, slowing down when needed because after all, he's got long legs and Carlos just can't go that fast. James hitches his backpack up on his shoulders a bit and stops, turning and waiting for the whining Latino to catch up.

"This is so _far_, James. You said it wasn't going to be far. My legs aren't as long as yours. They don't like all this walking." He frowns, black helmet perched on his head as he trips over a practically nonexistent branch in the grass.

"We're almost there, I promise." James says patiently, looking out into the near distance where he can see the spot he's trying to get Carlos to. It's quiet and serene, with a little pond where sometimes a family of ducks likes to hang out. He just knows Carlos is going to love it.

"That's what you said like ten minutes ago," Carlos grumbles, finally catching up to James. Carlos is not usually much of a complainer but he's hungry and he's tired and his legs are starting to get sore. Hiking is SO not his kind of thing. He catches James laughing a little and he doesn't like that, James shouldn't be making fun of him. "Your bandana looks stupid," he spits out, trying to insult him the best way he knows how right now. James loves his bandanas and thinks they look good, but they don't.

Sure enough James frowns and lifts a hand to touch the purple bandana he has tied around his head. "It does not," he huffs, shaking his head at Carlos.

"Does too," the smaller man insists.

"Well, so does your helmet. Who wears a helmet to go hiking?" James scoffs.

"Me!" Carlos exclaims. "This is _dangerous_." As if to illustrate his point he trips over a fairly large boulder, landing on his hands and knees. "This stopped being fun about 20 minutes ago," he whines, brushing dirt off a scraped knee.

James has had it. He throws his backpack down into the dirt and throws his hands up in frustration. "That's it, Carlos. I was trying to do something special for you. I was going to take us on a picnic but I'm done. I'm sick of hearing you complain about everything!"

Carlos sits in the dirt, frowning up at James. "But I –"

"No, Carlos." James cuts him off. "I've been telling you all morning that I had a surprise for you, but you have complained about everything from the sun being too bright to being hungry even though you ate a HUGE breakfast, to blisters that you don't even HAVE, which I know because you made me check." James' usually rosy cheeks are flushed a dark red now with anger. "I just wanted today to be perfect."

"And now it's not 'cause I ruined it." Carlos rises to his feet, righting the helmet that was in danger of falling off his head. He looks at James and James thinks he's going to apologize. He starts to soften, but then Carlos opens his mouth again. "Well…you're mean. And STUPID." He shoots back at him, looking quite angry now himself.

James sighs and looks away briefly, trying to calm himself down. "Carlos," he starts finally, looking back to his boyfriend. But Carlos has started walking in the opposite direction. "Hey, Carlos, come on. Come back!" he calls out, hurrying after the smaller boy.

When Carlos is mad it's next to impossible to reason with him though, and at the moment he's definitely mad. Carlos ignores him, if anything beginning to speed up instead of slowing down. It's clear he wants to get far away from James. James knows that on the rare occasion Carlos gets mad you just have to let him be. He sinks down onto a tree stump. Okay, so maybe he was a little short-tempered with Carlos. Yeah, he'd been complaining all day but hiking really wasn't his kind of thing and James should have realized he'd get cranky. He should have planned a picnic in the park or something Carlos would enjoy much more than this. He's beginning to feel guilty now and stands to go after Carlos, to apologize and find a way to make it up to him when he hears a panicked cry in the distance. "JAMES!"


	2. Chapter 2

He knows that voice. He springs to his feet, not bothering to stop and pick up his backpack before he runs toward Carlos' voice. He hears a piercing scream and his blood runs cold because something is really, really wrong. He begins to run, knowing Carlos couldn't have gotten that far. "CARLOS!" he's yelling, praying he'll get a response. When he doesn't he stops and looks around, kicking the dirt in frustration. Something catches his eye then – Carlos' backpack, sitting far too close to the edge of the canyon for his liking. One of the straps looks to be caught on a tree branch. "Oh please no, no." he whispers to himself, grabbing the backpack and hugging it to his chest as he steps to the edge and peers down. It's nowhere near the size of the Grand Canyon of course, but it wouldn't be an easy fall, there would be injuries if a person were to fall. He closes his eyes at first, not wanting to look but he knows he has to. When he reopens then he sees the crumpled body of his boyfriend lying at the bottom.

"CARLOS!" he screams, dropping the backpack and turning to back down the side of the canyon. It's a fairly easy climb for him as long as he's careful, which is hard considering all he wants to do is get to Carlos as quickly as possible. There's no response but he keeps screaming anyway, though he isn't sure why. Finally he reaches the bottom and drops off the side, running to the aid of the smaller boy.

His stomach lurches and he swallows hard, trying to quell the nausea. Carlos' torso is twisted in an unnatural way. He drops to his knees, afraid to touch him lest he cause more damage. "HELP!" he screams, shaking hands digging for his cell phone and praying he can get a signal. He dials 911 and waits, closing his eyes and sighing in relief when it rings. He quickly spouts off where they are as best he can, not even bothering to end the call, just letting the phone drop from his hand as he leans in to assess the situation.

Carlos is breathing, though it seems a little shallow, James notes. The boy's naturally tan skin is a ghostly white and he's unconscious. His helmet, though dented and scratched, is still in place on his head and James prays that it counted for something. He doesn't see much blood, aside from the various scrapes on his arms and legs. The position of Carlos' lower half scares him. He feels completely helpless, unable to do anything for him.

"J-James?"

James' eyes immediately go to Carlos' face, relief flooding through him when he sees wide brown eyes staring back at him. He looks scared and James quickly takes his hand.

"James, I s-slipped and fell." Carlos whispers. "I was just trying to l-look down and my backpack got caught in the tree." His terrified eyes are filling with tears. "I slipped when I was trying to get f-free."

"I know you did, but you're going to be okay." James knows he needs to stay calm for Carlos' sake but it's so hard to do when he doesn't know how badly Carlos is hurt or if there's anything he should be doing for him. He wishes Logan were here, Logan would know what to do.

Carlos' brow wrinkles. "I'm sorry I ruined the day."

How can Carlos even think James is upset with him right now? He's shaking his head quickly, brushing a hand over Carlos' cheek in an effort to comfort him. "Ssh, that doesn't matter anymore, okay? You didn't ruin anything. We'll have our romantic picnic another time, in the park where it's fun."

"Let's have it here, right now." Carlos suggests, pressing his palms to the ground and trying to pull himself into a sitting position, to James' horror.

"No! No, no, no. You need to be still, okay?" James gently places a hand on Carlos' chest to stop him. "We'll have a picnic as soon as we can. Right now though you need to go to the hospital."

Carlos' face scrunches up and he whines softly in protest. "But I hate the hospital!"

"I know, but you have to go, just to make sure you're okay." James takes his hand again, rubbing circles along his palm with his thumb. "Do you hurt anywhere?"

Carlos is quiet for a minute as if he's got to think about it, as if he's mentally testing every part of his body. "My head, but just a little." He says finally.

James Is floored that it looks like Carlos has managed to survive the fall mostly unscathed but just to be on the safe side he doesn't move him and doesn't let Carlos move either. He's thinking that he wishes the ambulance would just hurry up so he could stop worrying so much when Carlos pipes up quietly.

"James? When did it get so c-cold out?"

James' head whips around to look at Carlos, eyes narrowing and scanning his face. He's shivering, he realizes, which is strange because the temperature hasn't changed, in fact it's pretty warm. He pulls his shirt over his head quickly, laying it across Carlos and tucking it carefully at his sides, eyes full of concern. Carlos looks back at him, frowning. "I'm cold James, it's cold and I want to go home. Why aren't we at home?" His lips are turning a faint blue, but there's sweat gathering on his face. He looks confused, as if he's not sure where he is. James' heart is racing as he rubs his hands up and down Carlos' arms, trying to restore the smaller boy's warmth, trying to keep it together for the sake of his boyfriend. Carlos is in shock, he realizes, his heart sinking. He's trying not to panic but he needs Logan so badly right now, Logan would know what to do and he just doesn't. He feels like he's failing the man he loves.

"I'm sorry baby, just hang in there okay? I…I think I hear the sirens. The ambulance is coming and they're going to make you better," he promises and he just hopes that his words are true. He'd originally thought Carlos wasn't badly hurt but now he just doesn't know. Carlos wouldn't be in shock if he weren't injured. He thinks about the way unnatural way Carlos is laying and he feels sick, he knows it's got to be bad.

He looks at Carlos who still seems very alert, thankfully, if not fully lucid. He offers him a smile though he's not sure how he manages it. "You're doing so good." Carlos grins weakly back at him, always loving to receive praise.

Faces appear up at the edge of the canyon and he realizes he hears a helicopter hovering. It occurs to him then that getting Carlos out of here safely couldn't be done via ambulance. "Look at that, you're going to get to ride in a helicopter!" James tries to sound excited about it.

Carlos grins again, dark lashes lowering for a minute before reopening to watch as the helicopter makes its descent into the canyon. Despite his chattering teeth he's clearly in awe. "This is so c-cool," he shouts over the noise.

James dips his head and laughs. Carlos is going to be alright, he just knows it.


	3. Chapter 3

A collar is strapped around Carlos' neck to stabilize it, just in case of any spinal injury. A thin board is place beneath him for the same reason. When an oxygen mask is slipped over his face James can see Carlos' eyes dart around looking for him, slightly panicked and overwhelmed as he's surrounded with EMTs. James hangs back out of their way so that they can do their job, but he also doesn't want Carlos to be scared. He peeks over the shoulder of one of the EMTs, smiling reassuringly. "Hey bud, I'm right here, okay?"

Carlos smiles beneath the mask and nods a little which is difficult because of the brace. He looks tired, there are dark circles under his eyes and every so often his lids close momentarily but they always pop back open. He's still very alert, looking around and taking in everything that's going on around him.

As they start to load him very carefully into the helicopter one of the EMTs takes James aside. "He's in mild shock, so we want to keep him awake. If you could just keep him talking that would be really helpful."

"Of course," James nods, climbing in after Carlos' stretcher. Carlos is covered with blankets and the shivering seems to have stopped. His blue-tinged lips are looking less blue. When his eyes meet Carlos', the Latino smiles. "Your first helicopter ride. I'm just sorry it had to be under these circumstances."

Carlos' eyes close and James isn't sure he even heard him. Without warning they shoot open again. "I wanna go in a hot air balloon!" he announces, and though his voice is muffled by the oxygen mask James can actually hear excitement.

James laughs softly and exchanges a glance with the female EMT. She smiles back at him and nods encouragingly. "Then we will. As soon as you're better."

Carlos seems very much like himself, but this is all still pretty scary. Carlos still has EMTs working on him, testing and evaluating and every so often asking Carlos a question. James gets a sinking feeling there's more going on than he knows but he pushes that out of his mind; right now his focus needs to be on keeping Carlos calm and awake.

The ride seems endless, mainly because all James wants is to hurry and get to the hospital so Carlos can get checked out properly and so he can be at ease. He needs to call the guys and tell them what's going on. But he talks to Carlos, assures him he isn't going anywhere, and listens when Carlos starts rambling about bunnies that nobody else in the helicopter can see. James agrees that the brown and white bunny is definitely the cutest which seems to please the smaller boy.

It's not until Carlos is safely being wheeled down the halls of the hospital, James walking quickly at his side, that he realizes he's not going to be able to go into the trauma room with him. He briefly considers begging the doctors to let him stay with Carlos but he can't let his boyfriend see how worried he is.

They reach the doors and James can't go any further. Carlos' eyes are on him, and James can see that he's scared again. He makes a soft whimpering sound and reaches out for James, and it breaks James' heart. He takes Carlos' hand in his, kissing it. "I'll see you in a little while, okay? Don't give the doctors a hard time. I love you."

"I love you too," Carlos gives James' hand a squeeze before letting his own hand drop back limply on the stretcher. James reluctantly takes a step back and watches as he disappears through the doors. He tries to watch through the tiny little window at the door but he can't really see anything and he needs to call his friends, he realizes. He thankfully remembered to grab his phone from the ground back at the canyon, so he quickly dials Logan.

"Hello?" The voice is distracted and James thinks he can detect the sounds of video games playing loudly in the background.

"Logan. It's James. "There's enough urgency in his voice that Logan sets down the game control and nudges Kendall. "James? What's up?" When he responds this time it sounds like James has got his full attention.

"Carlos had an accident. He fell at the canyon. We're at the hospital right now."

"What?" Logan spits out, whirling around to look at Kendall with wide eyes. "Is he okay? Are you okay?"

"I'm not hurt, but Carlos…I don't know," James sighs, speaking honestly. "He's conscious and he talked to me the whole way here, but he's in shock and a lot of it didn't make sense. He kept talking about bunnies…" he shakes his head, walking down toward the waiting room. "Anyway I don't know anything yet. He said nothing hurt except his head, but he took a pretty big fall. So now all we can do is wait until they tell us something."

Logan relays the news to Kendall and promises to get there as fast as they can. He knows shock isn't good, that it's probably caused by an underlying injury, but that it could also be a sign of a concussion which would fit with Carlos' complaint of pain in his head. He's optimistic since Carlos was awake and responsive, but they need to get there to support James.

When James ends the call he sinks into a chair in the waiting room and realizes that he's shaking. The adrenaline is what's kept him going through all of this, but now he's crashing. He remembers seeing Carlos lying there at the bottom of the canyon and thinking he was dead. He remembers that one moment of panic when he got to Carlos' side and feared he'd find him not breathing. But it's okay, he tells himself. Carlos is in really good hands, there wasn't any blood and Carlos wasn't complaining of any pain. Still, he can't talk himself out of worrying.

He's still waiting for his friends to arrive when a doctor comes out and introduces himself. James stands on shaking legs, praying for good news. He's concerned that despite the helmet Carlos may have a serious head injury and he's just silently praying for good news.

"I just wanted to give you an update before Carlos goes into surgery," the doctor begins and James' ears perk up. Surgery?

"Carlos suffered a mild concussion, but that helmet he was wearing probably saved his life," the doctor admits. "It's not something we're concerned about. He's awake and talking and that's a great sign. However," he continues and James' heart is going a mile a minute anticipating the news. "Carlos also suffered a spinal cord injury. He's lucky in that it's lower in the spine which has a higher recovery rate, but it's far too early to know what the full extent of the damage is. Right now he has no feeling below the point of injury, but as he begins to heal it's possible he may regain the use of his legs. It's just impossible to know at this point. He's being prepped for surgery right now to stabilize his spine."

James feels like the wind has been knocked out of him. He's literally speechless at first as he struggles to suck in a breath of air. He lets it out slowly, trying to take all of this in. It's too much. Carlos could be paralyzed for life. He rubs a hand over his forehead, trying to stay calm. It could be worse, he knows. At least Carlos is alive and not in danger. He knows he has to be grateful for that, and he is. He thinks about Carlos in there all alone about to go into surgery and knows he must be so scared. "Will you tell him I'm here and I'll be with him as soon as he gets out of surgery?" he asks finally.

"Of course." The doctor nods and gives him a smile. James tries to smile back but it's forced, he can't possibly smile right now. The doctor disappears through the doors, on his way to try and fix Carlos. James wants to yell after him to be careful, to not fuck this up because that's his Carlos in there and he couldn't live without him. But he stays silent, vision blurring as his eyes fill with tears. He feels his strength dissipating but just when he doesn't think his legs will hold him anymore four strong hands are grabbing him and holding him tightly. He turns his head and cries into Kendall's shoulder, crying for Carlos who doesn't deserve this to happen to him.

Logan and Kendall exchange worried glances. "James," Logan asks gently. "Is there any news?" James sounded fairly calm on the phone, it seemed that everything was going to be okay and neither boy expected to come to the hospital and find James in this state of mind.

James inhales, letting the breath out slowly as he pulls himself together. He straightens up, smoothing down his dark brown hair. "He's in surgery now," he sniffles a bit. "T-they said he damaged his spinal cord. He can't feel his legs." He can see Kendall and Logan both inhale sharply. "It's too soon to know if it's going to be permanent."

Kendall takes a step back, leans against the wall and stays quiet, like he needs a minute to take it all in. Logan's just standing there looking all wide-eyed, like a deer caught in headlights. James knows they're both thinking. That something like this shouldn't happen to someone like Carlos, who's never hurt anybody, never done anything to deserve this. He's always so happy and full of life, a ball of energy. The thought of Carlos possibly being stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of his life just doesn't seem fair at all.

James loses track of the time that passes. He, Logan and Kendall are quiet for the most part, sitting and staring blankly. All they can do is just wait. It seems like hours later when a nurse comes out and looks around the room. "James?" She calls out. "James Diamond?"

James looks at Kendall and Logan, slowly rising to his feet, using the arms of his chair as support. "Is he alright?" he asks nervously.

The nurse looks a bit uncomfortable. "He's coming out of the anesthesia and he's having a bit of a rough time. He's asking for you." She looks to Kendall and Logan. "You two will be able to visit with him in just a few minutes," she promises, nodding to James and starting to lead him down the hall. He exchanges worried glances with his friends before following her, his stomach in knots.

The short walk feels like forever as they walk silently down the hallway, stopping at a room with a chart on the door labeled "Garcia, Carlos". The nurse pushes the door open and motions him inside. He steps into the room and is completely unprepared for what he sees.


	4. Chapter 4

The view in front of him is quite different from the last time he saw Carlos, lying on the stretcher, a little afraid but in good spirits and not in pain. When he looks at Carlos now, he's suddenly not so sure he can do this. But he's got to, he can't just turn around and run. Carlos needs him.

There's another nurse standing by the bed, putting something in Carlos' IV. She's talking softly to him, but James can't hear what she's saying. From the door, James hears Carlos whimper that he just wants James and his heart breaks a little. "I'm right here baby," he speaks up finally, stepping over to the bed.

Carlos is lying flat on his back, looking far too small in that big hospital bed. There are so many tubes and wires everywhere, snaking beneath his hospital gown. Carlos rolls his head to the side and his eyes lock with James', and James can see there are tears streaking his boyfriend's cheeks. He's not sure if it's because of the pain or because of the news he received. Maybe a little of both. James briefly looks up at the nurse for answers.

She gestures to the IV drip. "I just upped his dosage of morphine. Spinal cord injuries can be pretty painful," she says apologetically, like she's the one who made Carlos fall. "Since he was in shock directly following the accident he didn't register the pain right away," she explains. James nods, offers a 'thank you' so quiet he's not certain he even said the words out loud.

He focuses his attention back on Carlos, speaking quietly to him and trying to calm him. "Kendall and Logan are here, out in the waiting room. When you're up to it I know they'd love to come see you."

Carlos' eyes flicker towards the door briefly before looking back at James and he nods a little. "In a minute." He takes a few deep breaths, in and out, slowly. The color is gradually starting to return to his face as the morphine kicks in and he scrubs at the dried tears on his cheeks. "I might not walk again." He says matter of factly.

But James won't even consider that. He shakes his head quickly. "No. You will."

"James, you don't know that." The medication is threatening to cloud his mind, but he fights through that. He wants to talk to James, wants to see Kendall and Logan. Still, he can hear its effect on his speech. He tries to focus on speaking more slowly and clearly.

"And you don't know that you won't." James' voice is firm, but gentle. He's nearly as devastated as Carlos must feel, but he's trying to hold it together. Carlos, on the other hand, looks a little too drugged to be too upset about much of anything at the moment.

"Do you think Gustavo will build a ramp for my wheelchair?" The smaller boy muses, and James can't help but smile at his nonchalant, sleepy tone.

"He'll have to by law." James assures him. "But hey, let's not worry about any of that now. Okay? We need to focus on you getting lots of rest so you can get better."

"I am resting," Carlos grumbles, gesturing to the bed. It's clear that even in his condition he's not happy about being laid up in bed. "But I don't want to sleep. I wanna see the guys."

James nods then rises to his feet. "I'll be right back," he tells Carlos, turning and exiting the room. As he walks down the hall he can see his friends pacing in the waiting room. When they spot him they start towards him, anxious expressions on both their faces.

"Is he okay?" Logan asks quickly, frown lines around his mouth.

"He seemed pretty upset when I first went in there," James told them. "He's in a lot of pain but they upped his morphine dosage and he's more relaxed now. He asked for you both."

"Well then come on, what are we waiting for?" Ever the one to take charge, Kendall marched off down the hall, turning and looking at James and Logan expectantly until they began to follow. Kendall pushed the door to Carlos' room open and Logan stepped forward to go inside, but James hung back.

"You too go ahead in. I just need to use the bathroom," James lied. "I'll meet you guys in there." He waved them on and turned around, not waiting for a response as he continued down the hall until he spotted the restroom sign. Upon pulling the door open and stepping inside, he was relieved to see that it was one-person bathroom. He locked the door and leaned against it, letting himself slide down to the dirty floor, not even caring. Now that he was alone, now that he knew Carlos was with Logan and Kendall, it was like all that adrenaline was seeping out of his body and the reality of everything that had happened was sinking in.

He'd screwed up. He'd screwed up so badly. He'd had good intentions when planning the picnic for Carlos, but he should have known better than to try and take him hiking. Carlos was an easygoing guy who loved a lot of things, like hockey and corndogs and rollerblading and his helmet. But hiking? Not so much. Walking for long distances and climbing were not really Carlos' idea of a good time. He liked to do fun things, like go to amusement parks and ride roller coasters until he puked, or go to the park and eat an ice cream cone while looking up at the clouds and trying to find fun shapes in them. James had been selfish, picking something that HE liked to do.

James rubs his hands over his face, silently berating himself. As if being selfish hadn't been enough, he'd snapped at Carlos for complaining about being miserable and then he'd let him storm off by himself and fall. James _knew _Carlos was accident-prone. He should have known better and gone after him right away. But no, as usual his stupid pride had gotten in the way.

Carlos was going to survive and he was so grateful for that. But it was because of him that his boyfriend was lying in that hospital bed flat on his back and not even knowing if he was ever going to be able to feel his legs again. When you thought of it that way, it didn't seem that Carlos had gotten lucky at all. _And it was all his fault._

Tears blur his vision and he does nothing to stop them. After all, there's no one there to see them. "I'm so sorry Carlos," he whispers to the empty room, his head in his hands. His khaki shorts are getting all dirty from sitting on the filthy floor where people have walked all day, with god knows what on the bottom of their shoes but he just doesn't care, he doesn't care about anything at all right now except Carlos. He wishes he could wave a magic wand and fix everything. But he can't; he doesn't have a magic wand. He's just James, and as he's now finding out, James Diamond isn't so perfect after all.


	5. Chapter 5

The funny thing is, Carlos doesn't seem to blame James, not in the slightest. He probably should have known that that's just not the way Carlos' mind works; he doesn't always need to look for someone to blame the way James does. Even so, the guilt is eating James up inside.

A week passes and Carlos gets strong enough to begin physical therapy. James knows that Carlos has a long and difficult road ahead of him and he doesn't envy him. When James gets to Carlos' room after his first session, he can see the exhaustion written all over his boyfriend's face. It was probably the easiest session Carlos is ever going to have but it's still taken so much out of him.

James tries to smile cheerfully, wants nothing more than to see Carlos smiling like that again. He's always been so full of life, full of energy and it's hard to see him lying there in bed with barely enough strength to hold his own cup of water. "It was so hard," he admits and James nods in understanding, but he doesn't understand really, he has no idea exactly what Carlos has to go through. "You're doing so good, I'm so proud of you," he tells him and it's true, Carlos is pretty much his hero right now because of what he has to go through.

Carlos offers a smile, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He turns his head to look at James. "I'm going to be in here for months," he says sadly and James practically falls out of his chair in surprise. "Why so long?" he asks, stunned. Carlos sighs, looks away momentarily. "I can't do anything for myself. I have to get stronger, work hard at learning to do simple things like transfer myself from my bed to my wheelchair. I might regain some feeling in my legs," he says hopefully, eyes lighting up for just a moment before that light fades just as quickly as it came on.

"You will," James said firmly. "The doctor says it can still happen, it just might take some time while your body's trying to heal." He says these things to Carlos all the time, he just wishes he could believe his own words. In the back of his mind there's this fear that he's ruined Carlos for life. That because of him Carlos will have to spend the rest of his life like this.

"I can't even go to the bathroom on my own," Carlos grumbles, and James knows that's one of the hardest parts of all of this for him, the loss of dignity. Nothing is private anymore. Nurses have to do _everything_ for him, and Carlos hates that. Hates that he can't feel anything below his hips. For a minute James lets his mind wander somewhere incredibly selfish, somewhere that seems pretty insignificant right now. Will they ever be able to have sex again? As soon as he thinks it he feels guilty. Carlos must know him better than he thinks. "We can't…you know. At least not now." He bites his lip, looking away from James and now James feels more than guilt, he feels like the biggest jerk on the planet.

"Hey, I don't care about that, "he says quickly and when he says it he realizes that it's true. Sure, their sex life has always been amazing and he loves that intimacy, loves getting to make love to him. And yeah, he's really, _really_ going to miss it. But when he thinks about the big picture, when he thinks about the fact that he could have lost Carlos it just doesn't seem to matter anymore.

"Maybe not now, but what if I don't get any better? You're 18 years old, I don't expect you to not have sex for the rest of your life." Carlos grumbles, staring down at his hands.

It would be hard and James knows this. But he also knows he loves Carlos more than anything else in the universe and he's not leaving him. "If it comes to that, then I'll deal with it. I won't die without sex." James shrugs a shoulder and tries to sound nonchalant.

There's a long pause and then Carlos looks up with him with those big brown eyes. "You could have sex with other people," he suggests in a small voice and James wants to hug him and hit him at the same time. He knows Carlos is only offering out of desperation, out of fear that James will leave him. James Diamond may not be the smartest person on the planet but even he knows that much.

"I don't ever want anyone else like that," James says firmly, tilting Carlos' chin to force him to look him in the eye. And he means it. Cheating on Carlos, even with his permission, is out of the question. Carlos' eyes search his face for a minute and then he pulls away, eyes turning to stare up at the ceiling. It's clear he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, so James racks his brain trying to find something else to talk about. He's launching into a funny story about something Katie did that morning when Carlos pinches the bridge of his nose, like maybe he's trying to ward off a headache.

"You know, I'm really tired." He says finally, turning his head to look at James. "I'm probably just going to sleep for the rest of the day, so you should probably go home." There's no hint of anger or anything else aside from exhaustion in Carlos' voice, but still something doesn't seem right and James hesitates. "Come on," Carlos insists. "You've been here day and night for the past week. Go home. Eat a good meal, shower and get a full night's sleep. Please." He tries to sound lighthearted but he means it, so James doesn't protest.

"Do you promise to call if you need me? Even for any little thing – I don't care." James doesn't like leaving his side. He knows all Carlos has to do is press a button and nurses will come and take care of him, but still. Carlos is essentially helpless and he hates leaving him like this.

"I promise." Carlos lays a hand over his and squeezes lightly, and there's a ghost of a smile on his tired face. James nods slowly and leans over to kiss his boyfriend's lips. "I love you." His hands spread over the sides of Carlos' face, their eyes lock momentarily.

Carlos smiles then, a real smile, and it makes James' heart flutter. "I love you too." He rests one hand over one of James' larger hands, rubs lightly with his thumb. They say goodbye and he watches James leave, sinks his head back into his pillow and sighs with exhaustion, his eyelids heavy.


	6. Chapter 6

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James goes home and tries to do everything he promised Carlos he would do, he really tries. But instead of cooking he just makes some Ramen noodles, quick and easy even if it's not any healthier than the crap they serve in the hospital cafeteria. He's not even hungry but he skipped lunch so he forces it down, his mind on Carlos the whole time.

In the shower he goes through the motions so slowly that the water turns cold but he barely notices. By the time he gets out his skin is like ice and he's shivering as he pulls on his pajamas. He promised Carlos he would eat, shower and sleep. So far he's managed the first two but he knows he's not going to be able to sleep. Instead he sits awake in bed on his laptop, reading page after page about what Carlos is going through. Many of the words are too difficult for him to understand but he spends the time looking them up using an online dictionary. He wants to understand this as best as he can.

He reads up on the subject for hours, researching the things Carlos is doing in physical therapy, researching the things he will need to learn to do before he can come home. And that's when it hits him hard, how much their lives are all going to change. How much Carlos' life is going to change all because of him. He shoves the laptop aside angrily, slamming it closed. He doesn't care if he breaks it. Right now he doesn't care about anything.

He sits alone in the dark, listening to the sound of silence. When Carlos was home there was never silence, not even when he was sleeping. Most nights you could hear his snoring clear down the hall. He would give anything to hear that snoring right now. He'd give anything to go back to that day and not take Carlos hiking. Or at least be a better boyfriend and not let Carlos go off on his own, upset. He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, still wet from his shower. There's no use in thinking this way, he knows. He can't go back and what's done is done. Still, he can't help but wish.

Carlos lays flat on his back in his hospital bed, eyes wide open and staring up at the ceiling. He's recognized every stain, every mark. He's only been here one week and he's already so eager to go home. But what he wants most is to walk again. He doesn't want to go home like this, he wants to go home like the old Carlos, the one who was always running around being active and silly. He feels tears welling up in his eyes and even though he's all alone he doesn't want to cry, feels like it's just stupid to cry when that's not going to change anything. He hasn't cried at all since the accident, not even when he found out he might be paralyzed permanently. He's been trying so hard to stay positive, focusing on that small chance he might completely recover but he's just so mentally and physically exhausted.

Therapy was a lot harder than he'd expected it to be. He was still weak from the accident, weak from lying in bed for a week without using any of his muscles so even the easier exercises seemed so hard. He'd managed not to get discouraged but now as he lay there thinking about doing it all over again tomorrow he suddenly bursts into tears, covering his face with his hands to drown out his sobs in fear that a nurse would hear and come check on him.

Carlos loses track of how long he cries, but once the tears have run dry he realizes he feels better, that he needed to get it out, to grieve for what he's lost. He takes in a deep breath, lets it out and feels much calmer now. He reaches over and presses a button on the bed so that he can sit up. It hurts a little but he doesn't care, he's tired of lying flat. His throat is so dry from all the crying he's just done, so he reaches out to his bedside table, fingers closing over the handle on the pitcher of water that's kept there. He tries to drag it closer to him but it's so heavy it tips right off the edge of the table, contents splashing onto the floor, the plastic pitcher rolling away toward the door.

Carlos is so frustrated he doesn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream. He does neither, debating whether or not he should call in a nurse for help but he decides not to. He doesn't want to see anybody right now, and he definitely doesn't want anyone feeling sorry for him. The loss of his dignity is already far too much to handle. Instead he simply looks down at his useless legs, reaching down to touch them. Nothing, he feels nothing just as he knew he would. "Please, please be okay again." He whispers to them. "I just want to walk again. I want to feel like Carlos again." Maybe if he closes his eyes when he wakes up this will all have been just a bad dream.


	7. Chapter 7

James arrives a little early the next day, showing up when he knows Carlos is scheduled for physical therapy because he's brought a few things to cheer him up and he wants it all there in the room, set up for Carlos to see when he's brought back to his room. When he steps through the doorway, arms loaded down with flowers, a giant stuffed penguin and a box of corn dogs he's surprised to see the room dark and Carlos laying silently in bed, staring up at the ceiling. There's a long awkward pause and after a moment James realizes Carlos isn't going to even acknowledge his presence so he comes inside anyway, setting the things he'd brought down in a chair and crossing to stand by the bed. "Carlos….?" He asks, looking down at him in confusion. "Did your therapy get cancelled?"

It's like speaking takes Carlos great effort as his eyes find James' face and he contemplates whether or not he really wants to answer. He blinks slowly, dark lashes staying closed a second longer than usual, as if he's too tired to re-open them. "No," he mumbles finally and his voice is a little hoarse as if he's been yelling or crying. James frowns, hands clenching into fists at his sides. It frustrates him when he knows something is wrong and Carlos won't let him in, when he shuts him out like this. But instead of taking his frustration out on Carlos he breathes in slowly, lets it out. "Well what happened?" he prods gently, sinking down into the chair by Carlos' bed. Carlos turns his head away, goes back to studying the ceiling which, as far as James can see, really isn't all that interesting.

"Didn't feel like going," Carlos whispers, clearing his throat. James winces. His throat sounds raw and James really wants to asks, but he doesn't push, at least not yet. Still, he's got to push a little further about the therapy, Carlos can't just skip it and he should know that. He frowns again, so deep he's starting to worry about frown lines. "Carlos, it's _important_. Haven't they told you how important it is? Your chances of recovery depend on these first few weeks, you can't just skip therapy."

It's not like Carlos doesn't know that, because he does. It's just that right now he doesn't actually care. He doesn't care about anything. "Get out James." Carlos says wearily, and James blinks slowly. "You don't really want me to go, you're just upset." He says calmly, but this only seems to make Carlos more upset. "Don't tell me what I want. I may not be able to do anything for myself anymore but I can still think for myself." He snaps and James' heart sinks. He pauses, swallows hard and tries another method.

"I'm sorry, you're right. You're going through a lot and you need to take things at your own pace. All of this is a lot to take in." He reaches out and tries to card his fingers through Carlos' short dark brown strands of hair but this only awards him a swat. Carlos clearly doesn't even want to be touched right now. James gives up, lets his hands fall limply into his lap. He feels about as helpless and desolate as Carlos must feel right now. He doesn't know how to fix any of this. He's not a doctor or a therapist and lately he's thinking he's actually not even a very good boyfriend because a good boyfriend would know what to do, would know how to snap Carlos out of this apparent funk he's in and get him motivated to work hard to get well. A good boyfriend probably wouldn't even have gotten Carlos in this situation in the first place and that still weighs heavily on his mind.

Carlos still doesn't say anything and James doesn't push him to. Instead he silently takes the smaller boy's hand, despite how he tries to pull away. He's gentle but firm. Carlos has to know he can refuse to speak, he can be a brat, he can be miserable all he wants but James isn't going anywhere. They don't say anything for a long time. The silence is a little awkward at first but soon James settles into it, leans back in the hard plastic chair and brushes his thumb along the back of Carlos' hand. It takes a while but after what seems like forever Carlos' hand slowly curls around James' fingers. He doesn't turn his head to look at him, but James smiles to himself anyway. It's a start.


	8. Chapter 8

James doesn't know what it was that turned Carlos around, and even Carlos himself isn't sure. The only thing they both know is that the next day Carlos throws himself back into his physical therapy with a determination that makes James' heart ache. He doesn't give up, not even when he's sore and exhausted and he was just wants to go back to bed. He learns to be a little more independent, though really there's still so much he won't be able to do if he doesn't regain feeling below the waist. After a few weeks he can mostly dress himself, transport himself in and out of bed and he gets around so fast in a wheelchair that James jokes about having races at the park when he gets out of the hospital.

It makes James smile to see how happy Carlos looks, even given the circumstances. It isn't ideal and if he had the choice he certainly wouldn't be in a wheelchair, but Carlos has always been the kind of person to find the good in every situation and hold onto it. He'd spent that one day grieving for his old life and feeling sorry for himself, being angry at the world. He'd simply needed that small amount of time before he could snap back to reality and do what he needs to do if he wants to get better and come home from the hospital.

It's been six long weeks since Carlos has been in the hospital and he's antsy to come home. He's doing well, making progress with each physical therapy session. He's thrilled when that week he's moved to a nearby rehabilitation center because he knows that means the next step is home and there's no place he'd rather be. But even better, he's regained sensation down to his thighs which sparks hope in both Carlos and James. It's not much, it isn't going to make him be able to walk again, but it means his body is still healing, still working towards recovery and there's still hope.

A week after Carlos' victory he receives a day pass to go home. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. Carlos doesn't really need any medical equipment aside from his wheelchair, but it still feels like a pretty big undertaking for him to be away from the nurses for so many hours, away from the people who know just what he needs. James knows, James has been there every step of the way but Carlos doesn't like the thought of his boyfriend having to take care of him, it makes him feel helpless and that's not a feeling he likes at all.

There's a lot of fussing over Carlos when he comes home for the day. Mama Knight has insisted on cooking a big meal full of all his favorite things. The boys have set up the video games and for a while everything seems perfect again. They have Carlos home, safe and happy and all of them try to push away the reminder that in a few hours he has to go back to his rehabilitation center. His smile is bright as he sits at the table surrounded by Logan, Kendall, James, Katie and Mama Knight, eating a delicious home-cooked meal instead of hospital food. The food at the rehab center is a little better, but nothing compares to this, especially when she brings out the chocolate cake she made for dessert and Carlos' eyes light up, getting wide with excitement.

For those few hours all of them can almost forget what's happened. Carlos is sitting on the couch playing video games with them, laughing and talking and furiously pushing at the buttons on the controller, occasionally yelling at the TV screen. James watches and smiles to himself, putting an arm lovingly around Carlos' shoulder. He wants him home again so badly it aches. The apartment just isn't the same without him. His smile falters as he thinks about how lonely he is every night without the bubbly boy, always so full of life, to make him laugh. But it turns to a frown when he thinks of Carlos spending night after night in a hospital bed being taken care of by strangers, being away from the people he loves and he stops feeling sorry for himself then. Carlos turns his head and catches his eye, but quickly James fakes a smile which Carlos whole-heartedly returns before going back to playing the video game.

The hours pass so quickly and at the end of the evening it seems far too soon to be bringing Carlos back to the center, but James has no choice so everyone says their goodbyes and he drives Carlos to his temporary home, as always taking great care in helping transition him from the car to his wheelchair before bringing him inside. It's been a long day, but a good one. Carlos is tired and a little sore, as he tends to be when he spends most of the day sitting up. So he sinks into his chair, lets James push him through the doors of the center instead of using his arms. A wave of sadness passes over Carlos as he thinks about everyone else back at the apartment, laughing and hanging out together, maybe having a snack as they stay up late and watch movies together. He tries to push past it, knowing he'll be back home again soon. James looks down at him as he pushes the wheelchair toward Carlos' room and catches the sadness in his eyes. He sets a hand on the younger boy's shoulder, squeezes gently. He doesn't have the words to make Carlos feel better, but somehow his touch is enough for now.


	9. Chapter 9

A date is set for Carlos' homecoming, but there are things to be done first. They need to change apartments, for one thing. Carlos won't be able to get upstairs to his bedroom and will need one of the handicapped accessible apartments in the building. Unsurprisingly Mr. Bitters fights them on it until Gustavo calls and offers to hire a lawyer for Carlos that the tune changes quickly and they're given an apartment that suits Carlos' needs. Everyone works hard to get the place set up nicely for Carlos. Carlos' bedroom in the new place gets a fresh coat of paint, posters of his favorite singers and movie stars and athletes are put up on the walls. They buy him a new king sized bed instead of the old twin sized bed he used to have. He gets new sheets, new fluffy pillows, and a soft and soft new comforter, in all his favorite colors.

Though everyone works hard to make the entire apartment perfect for Carlos' arrival no one works harder than James. Suddenly everything has to be meticulous, as if Carlos would even notice or care that maybe one of his posters is a little crooked. That the shade on the brand new lamp they bought for his bedroom doesn't match his curtains. That the rug is a little too scratchy under bare feet. He manages to find something wrong with nearly everything, so the other guys learn to step back and let James take over. Whenever they're not working or with Carlos at the rehab center James is hard at work making everything just right. It won't make up for what's happened but it keeps his mind off the guilt, stops it from eating away at him so badly.

Finally everything is ready, two days before Carlos is scheduled to be released. James stands in the middle of their new apartment, smelling like fresh paint and new carpet. It's different, it isn't the apartment they once made their own, with the swirly slide that Carlos loves so much. It's bigger, with everything on the same floor, no bedrooms on an upper level. The counters in the kitchen are low, so Carlos can reach. The bathtub is huge, there are metal rails along the sides of both the tub and the toilet, forever reminding James that this is soon to be the home of a handicapped person. And none of it feels right; this place doesn't feel like home. James can only hope that together the four of them can fill it with new memories, that they can make it feel lived in and homey soon. Maybe once Carlos comes home it'll feel right. James is praying for that.

It's early on the morning of Carlos' release. He isn't scheduled to leave until later in the afternoon but James' phone rings before the sun is even fully out. He groans tiredly, pulling the pillow over his head. He was up late last night, scrubbing the house clean, washing every article of bedding and clothing that Carlos owned just so it would smell freshly laundered and homey. But the phone keeps ringing so James looks at the caller ID and it alarmed to see it's the rehab center. Sitting up quickly, he snatches the phone, hands shaking as he answers. It hadn't occurred to him at first that the call might be important. Health wise Carlos is doing great, so why is the center calling him so early?

"Hello?" he answers, his voice tinged with sleep and worry.

"James." It's Carlos and there's urgency in his voice. James doesn't know if he should be relieved because Carlos is on the phone with him, he's actually hearing his voice and that means nothing horrible is happening. But there's still the fact that Carlos called him at 5:30 AM and judging by the tone of Carlos' voice there's definitely something going on. He hears a noise on the other end and it takes him a minute to realize that Carlos is crying. His heart jumps in his chest and he can feel it pulsing. "Carlos. Are you hurt? Are you sick?"

There's no answer right away and they're the longest few seconds of James' life. Then comes a big sniffle and Carlos is responding, "James. I just need you to come here. Please."


End file.
